My Musings

Thursday, September 13, 2007

18 Signs that You’re a Fundamentalist Preacher

Even though this should probably be offensive to me and the people I run with, I think it is hilarious. I have no problem being made fun of.

1. You consider studying for sermons something that lib’rals do instead of soul winning.
2. You prepare your sermons on the way to church, which explains why you recently preached against tan lines, energy drinks, and men wearing short sleeve shirts.
3. You actually make fun of preachers who use Greek and Hebrew in their sermons.
4. You consider volume a fine substitute for substance.
5. To you, “exegete the Greek” is a funny rhyme.
6. You decide on what sins to preach against based on who’s in the congregation.
7. You consider a pulpit more of a punching bag rather than a place to rest your Bible.
8. You have 35 sermon outlines prepared and ready to preach – as soon as you find text verses for them.
9. In a 117 minute sermon, you spent 53 minutes telling stories from your childhood, 47 minutes telling stories from your early ministerial days, 15 minutes denigrating men who wear pleated pants, and 2 minutes explaining your text verse.
10. You have actually spent an entire sermon preaching against the evils of Barney the purple dinosaur.
11. You’re favorite illustrations are Darwin’s deathbed conversion, the “microphone in hell” bit, and Spurgeon giving up his cigars.
12. You quote John Gill as supporting your position against Calvinism.
13. You think people who know what “supralapsarianism” means need to get saved.
14. You think its okay to preach a verse out of context, as long as you tell your people that you’re doing it on purpose.
15. You love to apply Messianic prophecies to yourself.
16. When you preach, you can’t help but say “evangelical” effeminately.
17. You think “expositional” is someone who doesn’t take a position on anything.
18. You’re not sure what TULIP stands for, but you know you’re against it.

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